A conversation with divinitime

It occurred to me over the weekend how I have neglected to bring myself to answer my fears. Namely, my fear of rejection. I am terrified of not being good enough to be included, that I tend to become reclusive. I can't describe for you the logic or where this originated in me. Ultimately it boils down to low self esteem. I can trace this back to the negativity of my father. He can never be caught smiling and I too have chosen to think thoughts born of my fears and self loathing. I realize we all have this and it's natural. I just would like to write this attempting to bring life and therefore action to the problem at hand. It has isolated me into a self created prison built of my fear and misconceptions. I also would like to bring into my life more dependence on the lord and guidance from the inner spirit with wisdom and strict discipline. I hope I can be obedient to the navigator as he tries to captain my ship. My life is without a helmsman and the course is dark and terrible as I have allowed a marauding legion of bad decisions and disobedience to the inner guide that I'm afraid the light may be beyond rescue. I have allowed those forces that seek to harm my precious spark from God loaned to me for this lifetime, to cherish and nurture the light into consciousness. Instead I have allowed my purpose to be defiled and misguided to what end I may never know. So I want to redouble my efforts with focus and obedience. Please guide me with your way and I will meet you with vigorous attempt. Basically I need your help sir because I know now I cant do it alone. Thank you my dear God. p.s I would rather think of you as a women as I feel we could become more close. In fact we might even hit it off and who knows what it could lead to. So that would be my first request. Like how you appear as figures in shadow at midnight seas. Or the lights of the tree